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[29 Jun 2006|12:26am] |
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There once was a girl who floated through life
Nothing ever seemed to wipe the smile from her face
Everyday she looked at the world with a smile gracing her face
Because, even though she was sad, there were so many others who had it worse
She watched her good friend slice their wrist wide open with a piece of glass from a smashed bottle of vodka.
She watched as a friend went from being this sweet girl to a monster that she didn’t know.
She watched as a guy pulled the strings that changed her friend forever.
She listened as her best friend was moved with sob stories and lies.
She felt her other best friend becoming drowned in a never ending cycle of liking and trying to get over one guy.
And all she could do was smile.
Her mother would yell and scream, blaming things that were her own choice on her children
Her dad would go to work and bring in the money, but never even said hello to her when she gave him a hug as he walked in the door
She watched her brother cave into himself because he didn’t fit in and didn’t have anyone to talk to.
She watched her other brother become spoiled and aggressive because her parents left him to his siblings to practically raise
And still she continued to smile.
She watched as family plans were made without her being informed until the last possible moment
She watched as the cousin that she used to call a sister became a whore who was involved with gangs and shootings.
And her smile only faltered for a second
She listened to her parents as they compared her to people who she shouldn’t have been compared to in the first place....
“Why can’t you be more like your cousin? She gets straight A’s and balances her social life perfectly...”
“Why can’t you be more focused on school work like your brother is?”
“Why can’t you do what your told like your cousin does?”
“Why aren’t you making perfect grades like I did back in school?”
She continued to show that never changing grin...
She let people go even when it hurt because of things that she just wouldn’t say
She made it seem like nothing that others said about her bothered her at all, even though it cut deep.
She watched as people ignored her subtle cries for a listener
She ranted on the smallest things, leaving her feeling empty when thinking about the problems that really mattered
She never let her pain show, even though at times it threatened to consume her.
She yelled at herself for feeling that pain because it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it could be.
And with tears in her eyes, she smiled brightly for the whole world to see.
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[28 Jun 2006|10:50pm] |
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I can’t be a perfect child
I can’t take the pressure that you put on me
I can’t stand the way that you treat me
I can’t help but hate the way that you look down on me
I can’t help but hate you more every time that you forget to tell me important stuff and then tell me that you thought I already knew
I can’t help who I am so stop telling me that being me is embarrassing you
I can’t take the fact that I’m the only one of the three of us that has pressure put upon me
I can’t take the way that you criticize everything that I say and do
I can’t change myself to fit the structures that you want me to fit
I can’t take the way that your personality changes so that everyone thinks that your perfect
I can’t take the way you pin all of your problems on me
I can’t continue to watch every little step I take in the hopes that you won’t blow up on me
I won’t stop being me
I won’t change the people who are close to me and love me for who I am
I won’t pretend to be something I’m not
I won’t continue to say exactly what you want me to say
I won’t be your puppet
I won’t be your doll
I won’t be that little girl who does exactly as she’s told
I won’t follow the path that you set for me when I can see my own
I won’t cry anymore over the fact that you have to compare me to everyone else but myself
I won’t become part of your pity party
I won’t let the guilt trips get to me
I won’t let you manipulate me anymore
I’m not sure where I’m trying to get in life
But where ever it is, I’ll get there on my terms
On my will
Alone
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[16 Jun 2006|02:48am] |
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Men don't change - Amy Dalley |
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Alright i haven't really been using this damn thing for a long time. But i have a lot on my chest right now and god damnit, i need to rant.
My boyfriend broke up with me a few days before my birthday(May 20th), 3 days to be exact. The reason that he gave at the time was that he found another girl who was closer and was there for him when he needed her. He called me later that night to make sure that i was ok. And i lied to him about me being ok...something about ice cream and chocolate. I never really got over him and i still really like him. Now comes the confusing part. He sent me a message through myspace telling me that he lied about the reason of him breaking up with me. His new reason, which i will not write because i respect his priviacy, made a lot more...sense in a really weird way... Anyway i was nervous after i read it and i didn't know what to say to him...finally i wrote him back and he read my reply sometime yesterday. I...don't know what is going to happen from here on in but i know...if he asked me out again...even if it was tomorrow...i would say yes without even batting an eye. I...i miss talking to him and i miss him understanding what i'm saying without having to even explain. We weren't even together that long and i still missed him a lot. I...i don't think that i'd mind seeing him with another girl as long as he's happy that way, even though i know i'll be jealous...but that's not the biggest problem...no of course it isn't....that'd be WAY too SIMPLE.
Another guy, the same guy that one of my best friends likes, just told me that he likes me, not her. And frankly, i feel like shit. The best part of the whole thing is he knows that i still like my ex and yet he lures me into practically begging for the secret that he kept...he started typing it on AIM, entered the text, then stopped. He tricked me into worrying for almost an hour because i know that his home life left something to be desired. I thought he was hurt. Instead he tricked me into begging for an hour in order to find out what's wrong...only for him to tell me that he likes me, "thinks i'm beautiful". Bullshit. And the worst thing of the whole convo is that when i tell him that i still like my ex, and try to bring up the fact that one of my best friends likes him because he decided to try the guilt trip of "nobody likes me", he gets pissy with me, insults MY BEST FRIEND and tries to get me to agree with him on the fact that i'm "better off without my ex." Even though my ex was ten times more curtious about my opinion in matters. This other guy tells me that he knows me inside and out and yet he has never talked to me before this week. I HATE IT. He thinks that it's ok to tell me that he knows me inside and out and that i don't know him at all. And you know what? I don't want to know him, especially if he wants to black mail, lie, and trick me into semi liking him. And this guy makes me happy that i never stopped liking Spike. Because i didn't rebound and get trapped by this ass hole.
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[29 May 2006|01:26pm] |
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Barbie Girl - Aqua |
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OMG i'm so tired right now... but this weekend kicked balls!!! Anime Boston was so much fun!!! Ok we were running on barely any sleep...but it's all good!! Anyway, i really don't want ot be back in atlanta at all. It's all hot and muggie and sticky and gross. I WANNA GO BACK TO BOSTON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There were so many nice people at that con and some really hot guys too. And aside from the fact that my feet kill right now, i really liked being able to just walk to where ever it was that we needed to go. (I lost ten pounds in those three days and am very proud.) And I loved the catch the barrel game that we were able to play. We didn't win but we were in the group that escorted the winner down to the photo shoot so that noone would challenge us for it. Of course, poor dosu almost choked because we had put it into her fur thing that was attached to her scarf around her neck...but we got it down there...
Let's see...what else was really fun...blah i can't really think of anything else in full detail right now...i wish i had stolen sakura's laptop so that i could have put this all down while it was fresh in my mind....bah
well got to go study!
Ja ne
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[15 May 2006|10:36am] |
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A Dangerous Mind - Within Temptation |
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K well i'm really bored and i really hate this class. The guys are absolute idiots. Oh by the way, i'm in AP US History. Right now they're on this random website and putting the teachers name in this relationship compatibility thing with other people of the class which is retarded. The teacher is even encouraging it!
I hate the fact that this is what this class is always like. We never learn anything in this class. If i pass the AP exam, it's going to be because i worked my ass off to pass it not because of anything that Mrs. Herbold did. It really pisses me off and in actuallity, it pisses a lot of people in my class off. One of the girls, Jasmine, is watching me type this and wishes it to be known that she also hates this class.
And on top of that, the dumb ass boys in the class are always going on and on about women being inferior to men. They've been doing that since the class began back in August. Ok yeah it was funny at first but now it's just old and stupid. I swear if i hear them say the word "inferior" one more time, i'm going to kick their asses. They talk all high and what not but i think that they are just pansies and could get their asses handed to them by a 5 year old.
I've had enough of it. The teacher won't do anything about it, the girls are just sitting there taking it, and the guys are out of control.
It's days like this that you just want to hit something enough that you break your hand and then cry. I hate it.
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[15 May 2006|09:44am] |
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Game - Ayumi Hamasaki |
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Stolen from Sakura!!!!
How old were you when you first...
Fell in love - i don't thnk that i've been in love before
Lost someone close to you - 9. A friend died in a car crash
Got in a fight - 14 Got in a fight Freshmen year
Drank alcohol - 15
Smoked weed - never.
Got kissed - 16
Went to the hospital - 3 months old. I almost died 'cause of some weird disease
lost a pet - 1
got arrested - NEVER!
Smoked a cigarette - NEVER!
Broken a bone - 11
Got a job - my parents won't let me have one til SATs are done
Cheated on someone - Never
Got cheated on - not that i know of
Rode the city bus - 13
Went to a concert - 14
Met someone famous - i don't think that i've met anyone famous
Got in a car crash - never
Dyed your hair - I don't really remeber *sweatdrop*.
Rode an airplane - 7
Went to another state - I think that I was 2...
How many long term relationships have you been in - 0
Times you had your heart broken - once
Pets do you have - My brothers are allergic to every animal known to man
People do you hate - It's more a strong dislike that "hate"
Times you've dumped someone - never.
Times youve been dumped - Once.
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[15 May 2006|04:47am] |
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A dangerous mind - within temptation |
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Blah it's really early and I have nothiing else to do but rant for a while so i think that i'll do just that.
Mmmk first off i can't wait to go to Anime Boston! Sakura and i are working really hard on our cosplays right now and we're hoping that we get them done really soon. My mom is a really good semstrist and is making the process of getting the costumes together extremely easy. Sakura and i are going to be going in the time skip costumes for each of us. WEEEEEEE I CANT WAIT!!!!!
K all hyperness aside, i really need a place to rant about everything and so rant I will. right now i'm feeling really insecure about a lot of things. The guy that asked me out on a date a little while ago (see http://hyuuga-ayame.livejournal.com/7090.html#comments) hasn't really been replying to any of the text messages that i've sent him. I really haven't taked to him in a while 'cause of all the exams that I had these past two weeks and the fact that my mom had me under house arrest for the weeks prior to those exams. Another thing that kept me from talking to him was the fact that I haven't had a computer for almost a month and a half. It broke over spring break and is still not fixed. I've had to work with the school computers and my brother's computer, but only when he's not on it (which is never). So now i'm really worried about where i stand with him. I talked with him near easter but that was the last time that i was able to call him. Then i tried to text him a week ago and never got a reply. Then i texted him again yesterday and still haven't got a reply from him. I could be just being really paranoid but i'm really worried. I have a very active imagination which is thinking up all these random senarios where he's mad at me for something that i've done or just doesn't like me anymore and has decided to ignore me. I just dont' know what to do anymore so if anyone would like to give me some idea of what to do, it would be very apreciated.
Going to go crash now since it's almost 5
Ja-ne!
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[12 May 2006|10:36am] |
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 FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Random Songs that are playing in my head |
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Ok i haven't really updated my journal in forever and I have a free period so I think that I will actually update this journal that hasn't really been put to a lot of use in the past month.
First off...I'M FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! OMG I finally don't have to study every day!!!!! I just took my finals for all of my senior classes and I'm so happy to be done with them!! I now have like 5 study periods to do my last period HW, which is the only class that I have left to do! WOOT!!!!!!!
This also means that I have my social life back!!!!!! My parents were asses during the time of Spring Break til yesterday when I finally was able to go do things with other people. To all the people who wondered where the hell I went, I was caged in my room so I couldn't really talk to everyone! Gomen!! But now that my hard classes have gone poof, I can go do things with other people!!! Hehehe I'm so totally excited!
The only thing that is really caging this new freedom of my day is the fact that I have no computer right now. My idiotic computer broke over spring break and has yet to be fixed. My dad says that I burned out the power source and so my computer won't turn on at all. So then he says that he'll go find the part that will make my computer all better the next weekend. I ask him a week later if my computer is fixed and the reply that I get is..."I haven't gone out to look for the part yet." Lovely right? So the next weekend, I ask him again and this time he tells me that the stores don't have the right type and he has to look online to get the part. This is progress! I was like ok it'll be fixed in no time! I was most definitely wrong. He has now decided that he will just try to repair the old part instead of getting a new one because he can't find a new one. When he told me that, I was thinking in my head 'Why didn't you just do that in the first place?' cause if you can fix it without spending money I think that you should go with that plan first. So it's getting close to being fixed but isn't quite there yet so if you really need to talk to me you're going to have to call me 'cause otherwise I'm not going to be able to talk unless I steal Sakura-chan's computer....which is really tempting at the moment.
But yeah that's my life since April 3rd, which is (I think) the last time I actually updated this thing...*sigh*. Blah.
Well I guess that that's it so....
JA-NE!!!!!!!
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[03 Apr 2006|10:29pm] |
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Tank! - Seatbelts |
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Weee!!!! Ok now i finally get to rant over the weekend that i've had!!!!
So thsi past weekend has been the worst start to spring break ever. Saterday was ok 'cause it was my little brother, Jacob's birthday. Weee! My mom made this awesome cake that had three layers and the middle layer was made of brownies which made it really really good. But that was the only good thing that happened this weekend.
Sunday i was stuck studying for my finals and AP test the whole day which completely sucked ass. My mom got me these history tapes that she wants me to listen to so i can study by listening to them. I got really really bored really really fast so i decided to clean my room up because i had no access to my computer because it hates me and doesn't want to turn on (this will be discussed more later on.) Any way, i began a full blown clean-out-the-room-entirely cleaning frenzy because i was so bored. And if you've ever seen my room, you have to be really really bored or just plain stupid to try to completely clean it out. So i spent the next 5 hours listening to the damn tapes to study and cleaned my room. This bored me greatly but my room got about half way clean and i managed to get 4 loads of laundery done. WOOT!!
Monday went about the same way except i got a 6 am wake up call from my dad so i didn't "waste the day" as he put it... So i was immediately made to listen to those damn history tapes that need to rot in hell. But one good thing came out of the cleaning. As i was cleaning my room, i found a bunch of coins that i placed in a Bath and Body Works bag as i cleaned. Once i was about half way done with my room, the bag was about half way filled with coins. So i decided that i was going to take them to one of those coinstar machines and see how much money i had and to convert them into bills that i could actually use. After i put all the coins into the machine i waited for it to finish counting all the money that i put in there (which was a lot of coins). The total came to $192.77!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so excited that i had that much money and then i remembered that this number was the amount after the machine already took away the $.089 per dollar fee. I was like, "WOW THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY!!"
so all and all my weekend = monday didn't end too badly and the studing just, in a round about way, made me $192 richer!! So my advice is to clean out your rooms then go to one of those machines and make lots of money off of it!!!!
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[03 Apr 2006|10:27pm] |
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Tank! - Seatbelts |
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k this is a couple days late but my computer is emo and won't let me even turn it on.....
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[30 Mar 2006|02:39pm] |
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Music playing in my head |
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Bah! I'm in school and really really bored right now. We are in the library doing an outline that i've already finished so i'm really really bored. Well this is basically me begging some of you guys to read my story, Demonic Ties on fanfiction.net Here's the address: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2824036/1/ so please read it and tell me what you think!! I'm going to update it sometime in the next week 'cause it's spring break and I'm going to have nothing to do.... Everybody else is dissapearing off to things that i can't follow them to. Temari has to go to her grandmother's house, Sakura is sick and her little brother is coming down so her mom is making her spend time with him, Spike has his Senior Trip which is taking him down to Disney World (i think) and everyone else lives too damn far to bug on a daily basis....*sigh*.
Well that was the bell to get us out of school so i'm dissapearing!!!
Ja-ne!!!!
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[19 Mar 2006|10:40pm] |
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Hicktown - Jason Aldean |
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| The Keys to Your Heart | 
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
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[19 Mar 2006|10:16pm] |
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Hicktown - Jason Aldean |
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| You Are a Seeker Soul | 
You are on a quest for knowledge and life challenges.
You love to be curious and ask a ton of questions.
Since you know so much, you make for an interesting conversationalist.
Mentally alert, you can outwit almost anyone (and have fun doing it!).
Very introspective, you can be silently critical of others.
And your quiet nature makes it difficult for people to get to know you.
You see yourself as a philosopher, and you take everything philosophically.
Your main talent is expressing and communicating ideas.
Souls you are most compatible with: Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul |
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[19 Mar 2006|08:21pm] |
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Who I am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K |
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Ok so my mom has decided that it's ok to talk to me after 2 and 1/2 days of ignoring me. And do you know what the first thing that comes out of her mouth is? "Elyse, have you done your homework?" It pisses me off. I mean she ignored me since i came home on Friday and she just now started to talk to me. The only time that she talked to me at all this weekend was when i called the house tell her that I'd be later than I thought because my friend's play went til 10:30 not 9:30. And all i got then was a "That's fine" before she hung up on me. And now she's acting like she didn't do anything to me at all and is being all buddy-buddy with me again. YOU DON'T DO THAT! She just can't ignore me for that long and when she does talk to me, she says every thing in this really cold tone.
I don't know...I mean I want to cry, I'm that pissed. I just don't know anymore....When she gets like that i just want to ignore her right back so she can see how it feels but i just...can't. And now that i'm rambling i'm going to go play Super Smash Brothers to take out my aggression on game characters....
Ja-ne for now.
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[19 Mar 2006|05:20pm] |
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S.O.S (Rescue Me) - Rihanna |
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Which Trigun character are you?(pics!)
WEEEEEEEEEE I'M VASH!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's so cool!
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[14 Mar 2006|05:52pm] |
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Hicktown - Jason Aldean |
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1. How tall are you barefoot?
5'4"
2. Have you ever gone sailing?
We have a sail boat but it hasn't been in very good condition since i was 5.
3. Do you own a gun?
no but i have shot off a machine gun before...
4. What was the last DVD you watched?
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Hell Yeah!)
5. Would you ever "do" someone in their parents bed?
No. I'm still not to that point in a relationship...and won't be for a while
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I survive on those in school 'cause they are the only thing you can trust
7. What's your favorite kind of chip?
Cheez-its
8. What do you prefer to drink at night?
Anything that is a liquid
9. Do you do push-ups?
Cheerleading makes us do so many it's not even funny...
10. Have you ever done ecstasy?
Hell no. I don't do drugs.
11. Are you vegan?
No. And anyone who is must be insane
12. Do you like the circus?
Clowns...*twitch*
13. Do you ever call people with your number blocked?
Yeah we called a bunch of radio stations and random numbers on my friend's birthday a couple years ago.
14. Do you own a pair of jumper cables?
Yep and I've had to use them too.
15. Do you dust?
Yeah but only my room.
16. Have you ever been in a wedding?
Yeah! Both of my older cousins. I was 6 years old and was the Flower Girl along with my other cousin who is my age.
17. Top 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
1. Got to get to cheerleading...oh well
2. I wanna sleep...
3. It's really cold
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought:
1. iTunes music card
2. Gas
3. Shuriken board
19. Name five drinks you regularly drink:
1. Water
2. Dr. Pepper
3. Iced tea
4. Coffee
5. Energy drinks(*yawns*)
20. What time did you wake up today?
6:30 am
21. Current hair?
Long, light blonde and down
22. Current worry?
My Physics test tommorow
23. Current hate?
Can't think of anything off the top of my head.
24. Favorite place to be?
Out with friends and having a good time.
25. Least favorite place to be?
I'd have to say school like every other teen that hates the place.
27. What do you wear when you go to sleep?
A sports bra (summer) or a T-shirt (winter) and soffe shorts.
28. What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
Hopefully having a really cool job that has to do with sciences (the only thing that i excel in at school) and with the best boyfriend a girl could hope for. (hey i can dream can't i?)
29. Do you burn or tan?
In the summer i burn 'cause my skin is really fair but in the winter i somewhat tan 'cause the rays aren't very strong.
30. Last thing you ate?
Salmon
31. Last wet thing you touched?
My hair after i got out of the shower.
32. Last time you had an alcoholic drink?
When i was down at North Springs for a football game. I had one sip of some vodka that someone brought in a water bottle. (and it tastes like shit so i'm never touching that stuff again)
33. What songs do you sing in the shower?
The song that is stuck in my head at the time.
35. What's in your pockets right now?
I have on soffes thus i have no pockets.
36. Last thing that made you laugh?
My boyfriend saying the word "banana" over and over again. (don't ask)
37. Last thing you drank?
Dr Pepper
38. Worst injury you've ever had?
Umm you'd have to define worse 'cause i had many different ones in cheerleading and i'm not going to list all of those 'cause it would take up to much space...
39. What are your dreams like?
I don't usually remember what happened in my dreams but i wake up feeling content...i don't know if that counts for anything though
41. Have you ever played horseshoes?
Yeah. We have a set and i've gotten really good at it actually
42. Who is your most silent friend?
Well my brother is practically mute but i don't know if that counts...
43. Does someone have a crush on you?
Well my boyfriend asked me just this past Saterday, does that count?
44. Do you like oatmeal?
I've never had it before.
45. What's the first thing you do when you get to work?
My parents won't let me get a job so i have no place to work...
46. What is your favorite candy?
Pixie Sticks! SUGAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
49. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Umm..I'm almost 17 and i really don't plan on dying any time soon....
50. What were you doing at 12 o'clock last night?
I was asleep 'cause i had pulled an all-nighter the night before and needed sleep
I SO stole this from Sakura but oh well....
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[13 Mar 2006|10:46pm] |
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Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K |
] |
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[13 Mar 2006|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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Who I Am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K |
] |
You chose Blue-Green eyes.
You are one of those supersticious people, who
believe in faeries, ghosts, aliens, etc. You
like to keep your options open. On the
outside you act pretty confident, funny, and
happy all the time. But really, in the
inside, you have a slight low self esteem.
You try to cover it up with cheerfullness.
You are a very determined person, once you
set your mind to something, you're going to
do it. You tend to be a bit bossy at times
too. Most of the time you're enjoying life
though. You are a very hyper/crazy person,
and love to laugh at every little
"funny" thing.
The eye color personality test.
brought to you by Quizilla
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hyuuga_ayame's journal
